So, I’m still reading Outliers by Malcolm Gladwell, and let me tell you—my brain cells are buzzing. This book is stirring up all sorts of connections and ideas. It’s like every page uncovers another layer of what shapes success, and I’m constantly thinking, How do I apply this? Especially in my own life and family.
One of the most important lessons I’ve learned so far is how parenting styles can dramatically impact a child’s potential. Malcolm dives into the idea of looking beyond raw talent and hard work, and instead exploring the hidden factors that nurture genius. One of the most striking examples he gives is a comparison between two geniuses: J. Robert Oppenheimer, the brilliant physicist, and Chris Langan, a man with one of the highest IQs in recorded history but from a much more disadvantaged background. The differences between these two men’s lives go beyond intelligence; they highlight the significant role upbringing and parenting played in their eventual success (or lack thereof).
Oppenheimer vs. Langan: A Tale of Upbringing
Oppenheimer and Langan were both extraordinarily gifted, but the way they handled adversity reveals a lot about the influence of their upbringings. Oppenheimer came from a wealthy, educated family that encouraged him to think critically, articulate his thoughts, and advocate for himself. This was evident in one of the most striking moments of his life: when he attempted to poison his tutor at Cambridge University. Instead of being expelled or jailed, Oppenheimer was able to talk his way out of the situation, demonstrating an uncanny ability to navigate authority figures. His education and upbringing had taught him how to present himself in a way that allowed him to turn a potentially life-destroying mistake into a mere slap on the wrist.
Chris Langan, on the other hand, was raised in a poor, unstable family. Despite his genius, he lacked the social capital and skills to advocate for himself in critical situations. For example, when Langan encountered bureaucratic issues at his university—such as losing his scholarship over a scheduling mix-up—he simply accepted his fate rather than fighting back. He had never been taught how to challenge authority or advocate for his needs, a skill that Oppenheimer had learned effortlessly. As a result, Langan’s potential was left unrealized, not because he lacked intelligence, but because he didn’t have the tools or upbringing that encouraged him to assert himself in moments that mattered.
The Parenting Styles Behind the Genius
What really caught my attention was the study Malcolm references on the different parenting styles in low-income versus high-income families. This study monitored how parents in these two groups approached raising their children, and the findings were both eye-opening and challenging.
In wealthier families, parents were found to take an active role in shaping their children’s development. They asked probing questions, encouraged their kids to articulate their thoughts, and taught them how to advocate for themselves, even in situations with authority figures like teachers or doctors. This style of parenting—referred to as concerted cultivation—is designed to give children a sense of entitlement, but in the best way possible. It empowers them to take charge of their own lives and seize opportunities as they arise.
On the flip side, in lower-income families, the parenting style was more hands-off, often referred to as accomplishment of natural growth. Parents in this group believed that as long as they provided for their children’s basic needs, their kids would grow and develop naturally. While there is a lot of love and care in these families, the study showed that children from this background often lack the same sense of entitlement to ask for more or take advantage of opportunities that arise. These kids weren’t taught to push back or challenge authority, which could later hinder their ability to navigate complex social or professional environments.
What This Means for My Family
Now, here’s where it gets personal. As I was reading Outliers, I kept asking myself: Which parenting style am I leaning toward? How can I adopt what I’m learning into my own family life?
The reality is, I want to empower my children to have that sense of confidence—to feel they have the right to speak up, ask questions, and pursue the opportunities in front of them. But I also believe in balance. While concerted cultivation has its merits, it’s important to me that my children grow with a sense of humility, gratitude, and respect for others—especially those who may not have the same advantages. So, how do I blend the two?
My kids already show immense leadership capabilities, even at their young ages. Whether it’s confidently taking charge during playtime or speaking their minds in family discussions, I can already see the seeds of leadership within them. As their parents, it’s our responsibility to nurture those qualities without unintentionally hindering their growth. We want to guide them, but also give them the freedom to develop their own voices and decision-making skills so they can grow into confident, compassionate leaders.
Here are a few things I’m taking away from Outliers and planning to implement in our home:
1. Encouraging Curiosity
I want to be intentional about encouraging my kids to ask more questions. Not just the “why” questions they already ask (which are endless, by the way), but also encouraging them to dig deeper into how and what if. Whether it’s something they learned at school or a random observation at home, I want them to feel comfortable exploring their own thoughts and articulating them with confidence.
2. Teaching Self-Advocacy
One thing that stood out to me was how kids from higher-income families were often encouraged to advocate for themselves. I want to make sure my children are learning this skill early on. Whether it’s during doctor’s appointments or at school, I plan to teach them how to respectfully speak up, ask questions, and make their needs known. It’s about giving them the tools to navigate the world with confidence, while also recognizing when to step back and learn from others.
3. Balancing Structure with Freedom
While I believe in guiding my kids, I also want them to experience the beauty of unstructured time. Some of the greatest moments of creativity and self-discovery happen when kids are left to explore, play, and let their imaginations run wild. So, while I’ll be intentional about certain activities, I also plan to let them have the space to just be. There’s value in letting kids develop naturally too—after all, life isn’t always about structure.
4. Recognizing the Power of Networks
I’ve realized how important it is to expose my children to different environments and people. Whether it’s through community events, family gatherings, or extracurricular activities, I want to create opportunities for them to meet people from all walks of life. This will help them build social capital—the kind of soft skills and networks that can make all the difference in the future.
5. Creating Opportunities for Skill Building
Whether it’s through extracurricular activities, reading, or family projects, I want to be more deliberate about giving my kids opportunities to develop their natural gifts. If I notice an interest in something, I’m going to nurture it. Maybe that means encouraging them to present on a topic of their choice or simply giving them the tools to pursue a hobby more seriously.
Final Thoughts
Reading Outliers has been such a revelation, especially when it comes to parenting. While hard work and intelligence are key, so much of what shapes a child’s success lies in the subtleties of how we raise them. The parenting choices we make can either open doors for our children or unknowingly limit their potential.
But it’s not just about teaching them—we, as their parents, need to step up to the plate as well. We can’t expect our children to develop confidence, self-advocacy, and resilience if we don’t model those behaviors ourselves. How often do we advocate for ourselves, speak up when it matters, or seek out opportunities for growth? Our children are watching, and they will learn as much from our actions as they will from our words.
You can’t give what you don’t have—but the good news is, you can develop it. Now that I have this knowledge, it’s my responsibility to continue growing in these areas, not just for myself but for my children too. As I advocate for myself, I will be better equipped to advocate for my children. The same goes for cultivating curiosity, resilience, and humility—these are qualities I must continue to nurture in myself if I want them to take root in my children.
I’m still learning, but I’m committed to adopting these lessons in my home. After all, it’s not just about raising good kids—it’s about equipping them with the skills, confidence, and mindset to thrive in whatever they choose to pursue.
Until next time,
Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
T.M. Kayode 
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